© Spanked Monkey Productions
Scientists have recently conducted a very important study on the effects peanut butter has on hamsters. That is, when it's smeared all over them. A layer of peanut butter combined with/instead of fur, may be the next evolutionary step for hamsters. It's been a well known fact for many years now that peanut butter and hamsters work well together, so this is hardly news, but scientists had a very specific list of things they wanted to learn in this study, which went something like this:
(Side note: this is the essay I submitted to colleges which asked for an additional essay. I was accepted by about 50% of those schools)
Fortunately, the hamsters ate the list before any testing began, and the scientists forgot everything that was on it. However, the scientists decided that a small setback like this would not stop them, so the testing went on. The following is an innocent bystander's recollection of the events that ensued. All names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Day 1.
Testing was to begin today, however, the scientists realized that they had no hamsters. This in itself is pretty amazing, because if you've been paying attention to anything I've written thus far, you know that hamsters ate the list. These are not the hamsters that were tested; these are what we have decided to call "the Mystery Hamsters of Death". So, being hamster-less and all, the scientists soon realized that they would need hamsters before they could begin any testing. However, after all that thinking and realizing and deciding, the scientists were what we like to call "Just Plain Tired". So they called it a day. (we're not sure which day they decided to call it, so we refer to it as day 1)
Day 2.
After a good night's sleep, the scientists made their way to the pet store and purchased 10 hamsters, which would be divided evenly into two groups. They then purchased two appropriately sized aquariums - one for each group - and some wood chips for bedding. As a matter of odd coincidence, they didn't need to buy any hamster food, because one of the scientists likes to enjoy a hearty bowl of hamster pellets for breakfast every morning and thus had a large bag handy at home. All other necessary supplies were already available at the lab, so they decided to head back and set up. Once the hamsters were separated into groups and put into their cages, the scientists decided to call it a day. (this time we're going to refer to it as day 2)
Day 3.
The testing begins! Each member of the test group was carefully taken out of the cage individually, coated with a nice thick layer of peanut butter, and then placed back in the cage. The idea was to be able to watch the test and control groups side-by-side in a caged environment and compare the differences they display in a small enclosed environment.
While the test group seemed to have great difficulty doing anything at all, the control group had no problems doing normal hamster-like things. The peanut butter did not restrict the test group so much that they couldn't do anything at all - with great effort, they were able to walk. Unfortunately, this proved to be a major problem. Whenever two peanut butter coated hamsters got too close to each other, they'd stick. Eventually the test group was nothing more than a big ball of peanut butter, wood chips and hamsters.
The control group had no problems like this; they were entirely able to walk freely inside their cage. Wood chips did not stick to them, and they did not stick to each other.
While peanut butter coatings were clearly a disadvantage for hamsters in a caged environment, further testing was required. Scientists wanted to know if peanut butter coatings could possibly serve to help hamsters in the wild, sorta like how a tail helps a monkey.
But even scientists need sleep, so they decided to call it a day. (you know what goes here)
Buffalo 4.
Testing resumed.
After yesterday's results, the scientists were stunned to learn that in the "real world", peanut butter is not as much of a hindrance as it is in a caged environment, and in some instances, peanut butter coated hamsters had the advantage:
Before they could do any more testing, the test group, which was still a huge ball of hamsters, wood chips and peanut butter, had to be separated and cleaned off. This proved to be a daunting task. After being bit upwards of 300 times by these hamsters who were very irate at this point (you would be too if someone covered you in a layer of peanut butter, and you ended up with wood chips and hamsters stuck to you all night). Once they were cleaned thoroughly, a fresh coat of peanut butter had to be re-applied. Unfortunately, this enraged the test group even further and there was a very unfortunate incident involving 3 of the hamsters and a scientist's arm (they ate it). Fortunately, we feel that it will regrow within 4 - 8 weeks. Until then, he is resting peacefully in the hospital in critical condition. The fact that the hamsters were so violent implies that peanut butter may make them more ferocious, which could help immensely in the wild.
First, the test group was released into a room with all escape routes sealed off. Next, they were observed. Three of the scientists were attacked, so they all decided it would be best if they stood on chairs. We feel that this did not greatly effect the results of the test. Once the hamsters gave up trying to slay the scientists, they started attempting to do normal "hamster-like" things again. One hamster fell over on it's side and became stuck to the floor for a great deal of time, and two other hamsters seemed to be stuck to each other, though it was unclear whether they were actually stuck, or if it was some sort of advanced mating ritual. None of the Scientists were brave enough to check. The remaining two hamsters seemed pretty "normal". That is, they didn't stick to anything. On the other hand, they did appear to be sleeping. The scientists believed, however, that they were not actually sleeping, and that perhaps this was a new, advanced method of hunting prey. Since these monsters seemed entirely capable of killing and eating a large dog in a matter of minutes, the scientists theorized that the "sleeping" hamsters may have been trying to attract "predators" (which would actually become their prey), by pretending to be asleep and appearing entirely vulnerable in an open area.
This was a long day for the scientists, and at this point they were really tired, so they decided to call it a buffalo (they were tired of calling it a day).
Herring 5.
The scientists decided that after yesterday's incident, where one of the scientists lost his arm, some protection would be needed to continue the experiments.
After obtaining some thick mesh gloves, and heavy body armor, they were ready to continue testing. Even with all this protection, they didn't want to hazard applying a fresh layer of peanut butter, so they decided to just leave the old layer of peanut butter on the hamsters. While this may have altered the results of the test slightly, we feel that the difference would not be significant enough to make another scientists risk losing his arm.
The scientists were so tired last night that they didn't even put the peanut butter coated hamsters back in their cage, they just left them out in the same room where they were before. When the scientists went into the room, the hamsters were waiting for them. Before they knew what hit them, each scientist had a hamster on his face, trying to eat his nose off. This was especially amazing since there were only 5 hamsters, and there were 7 scientists. We believe that the other 2 hamsters were the mysterious, Mystery Hamsters of Death. Fortunately for the scientists, they had been wearing their full body armor, which included a special face covering, perfect for keeping hamsters from biting off ones nose. Once the hamsters were under control, and the Mystery Hamsters of Death had mysteriously disappeared again, the scientists decided that the next testing should involve throwing hamsters against the wall (I think they were slightly irritated with the hamsters at this point), so they threw them all against the wall, and observed that upon making contact with the wall, each hamster made a "splat" sound, followed immediately by a squeak. Each hamster then stuck to the wall for a short period of time before slowly rolling down it.
The scientists believe that hamsters could eventually evolve the ability to their advantage. Eventually, we might find peanut butter coated hamsters flinging themselves against walls, and then slowly rolling down them. This would prevent injury from the hard falls that would otherwise follow after a hamster had flung itself against a wall.
One last experiment was called for (we're not sure who called for it, or why, but we're sure they had a good reason. If we had their phone number we'd call them back and ask). Each hamster in the test group was carefully stuck to the ceiling, and then released. They remained stuck to the ceiling for a few seconds before dropping to the floor, emitting a combination "splat" and squeak sound, similar to the sound they made when flung against the wall. The scientists believe that the hamsters could evolve to use this to their advantage as well, especially while hunting. Peanut butter coated hamsters could remain suspended on the ceiling (or a tree branch), where they would remain unnoticed by their prey until they were able to position themselves directly above their prey and then drop from the ceiling - their victims wouldn't even know what hit them.
The test group was then taken out, and the peanut butter was cleaned off of the walls, floor and ceiling. Once the room was in order, the scientists decided to call it a herring.
Day 6.
The control group was brought in to the room so the scientists could conduct the wall and ceiling tests on the hamsters and compare the results to those of the test group.
The first thing the scientists noticed was that none of the hamsters in this group tried to attack them. They were completely docile. They also did not stick to anything. When thrown against the wall, they made a "thud" sound, followed by a loud squeal, and then fell rapidly to the floor, where they made another "thud" sound.
The scientists then tried to stick them to the ceiling. However, they would not stick - they fell swiftly to the floor and made a "thud" sound.
Once the testing was completed, the scientists decided to call it a day.
Day 7.
And on the 7th day, the scientists rested.
Unfortunately the results are still unclear as to which is better because it was obvious that all of the hamsters in the control group had died. The scientists speculate that this resulted from the falls they suffered. The peanut butter coated hamsters survived the falls but were "accidentally" placed back in the wood-chip-filled cages where they ended up as a big ball of peanut butter, wood chips and hamsters again. It is believed that they died from suffocation.
Clearly, more testing is needed. The scientists believe they will have better results if they use chipmunks next time.
© Spanked Monkey Productions