Surgeon General's Warning!

Recent studies show that death is the leading cause of:

Organ failure
Shortness of breath
Poor circulation
Rigormortis
Decay

The Surgeon General suggest that you take the following steps in order to avoid death:

"Just say no" - if other people around you are dying, it's ok for you to say no and refuse to die.
Do not jump from an airplane without a parachute
Do not molest the alligator
Do not drive the wrong way down a one way road
Cyanide and other poisons should not be eaten
If you are playing with dynamite, be careful not to light the fuse
Do not set yourself on fire
While there is no conclusive proof that death is a sexually transmitted disease, it is recommended that you avoid having sex with dead people, or at least use a condom while doing so.

If you feel you may already be dead, watch for the following symptoms:

You are lying in a large pool of blood
Your brain is no longer inside of your skull
You have been placed in a casket and buried 6 feet under the ground
You are in heaven
You are in hell
You no longer have control over your body, and you feel as though you are watching everything from above
The doctor took one look at your body lying on the stretcher and pulled a sheet over your face

Should you experience death, it is best to exclude yourself from further human contact, for fear that you might spread the disase. There are currently no known effective cures or treatments for death.